& I know a guy who's tough but sweet?
? He's so fine he can't be beat?
? He's got everything that I desire?
? Sets the summer sun on fire?
? I want candy?
? Go to see him when the sun goes down?
? Ain't no finer boy in town?
? You're my guy You're what the doctor ordered?
? So sweet you make my mouth water?
? I want candy?
? Candy on the beach there's nothin' better?
? But I like candy when it's wrapped in a sweater?
? Someday soon I'll make you mine?
? Then I'll have candy all the time?
? I want candy?
? Hey?
? Hey??
Car Radio:? Oh, yes it's ladies' night?
Cabbie: Talk to me, Kool, baby. Mmm!
There ain't a party in New York City
that can beat this right here, baby...
Good music. I'm loose, I'm feelin' it.
Oh, yeah, this is the life, baby.
This is definitely the life.
Kevin: Crank it!
Lucy: You missed St. Mark's.
Don't worry, baby. I'm gonna swing around right here.
- Oh, look out. - [Beep Beep]
Stop honking.
? Tonight?
? Everything's gonna be all right?
? This is your night tonight?
? Everything's gonna be all right?
? This is your night tonight?
? Everything's gonna be all right?
? This is your night tonight?
? Gonna shake it on the loose and crank it up?
? Gonna crank it in my mind??
? Gonna crank it up, man??
Whoo!
Hey, man, you feel that vibe right there?
You see, now, that's what New Year's Eve is all about.
You can feel the fun like electricity.
Yeah!
New Year's Eve is so great!
It's like everyone just says, Hey, man...
Baby, is your friend gonna be all right back there?
- He's fine. - Whoo!
You're my friend because we, as a people,
are one, and we enjoy various kinds of food."
You know what it is? His girlfriend
- Driver: Shut up, you fuckhead! - Dumped him last night,
and I think he's a little bummed.
Yeah, I'm bummed out 'cause now you're draggin' me
to some stupid fuckin' New Year's Eve party,
and it's my birthday.
Well, happy birthday, Doctor.
How perfect is that?
You didn't wanna celebrate your birthday.
Crank it up, would you?
Crank it.
Because I would've thrown you a party, Kevin.
I don't want a party, Lucy.
- I mean, I wanna party. - There you go.
I just don't want a party.
Oh, my God. You do this...
every year!
Every year, you do this.
You ruin a perfectly good holiday
with your stupid birthday bullshit.
Well, I'm sorry that it's my birthday.
Believe me.
I'm sorry that I was born at all.
Oh, fuck you.
Fuck you.
Well, fuck both y'all. That's what I say.
Fuckin' crank it.
Will you pull over? Over here.
- Right there. - All right, baby. Hold on.
[Our Lips Are Sealed By The Go-Gos Playing]
Crab dip.
[Sighs]
Am I insane?
Wh-What was I thinking? What?
Do you realize I got this recipe off a box of cream cheese.
Ugh! I don't even recognize myself anymore.
You know, I hate parties.
I hate going to them, and I hate giving them.
At least when I'm going to them,
I'm not responsible for how horrible they are.
And this one's gonna be the worst.
I can feel it. No one's coming.
No... No... The losers will be here.
All the people I hate will be here.
All my ex-boyfriends
and their new, more-attractive girlfriends will be here.
Throwing a party... it's like...
it's like an invitation for abuse.
It's like the last desperate act of someone
who hasn't had a lasting relationship
since Junior High.
You dated in Junior High?
Why am I doing this?
Why am I subjecting myself to this?
God, I think I'm gonna be sick.
Oh, hey, main man,
there's no smokin' in my cab, all right?
What are you talking about? You're smoking.
I ain't smokin' what you smokin'.
That's great.
Hey, main man,
you need to relax.
I been listening to you, buddy.
You way too uptight.
You gotta look around you.
Everybody's having fun out here.
They drinkin', they fightin',
they pissin' on the streets.
It's New Year's Eve. They lovin' the ladies.
A lady go out on New Year's Eve,
she ain't tryin' to carry a burden.
She tryin' to let one go.
Wanna know how I succeed?
Not really, no.
I'll tell you what I do.
See, first of all, bro, you gotta smile...
like this here.
Do that a lot. Bitches love that kinda thing.
They love happiness, right?
Now, number 2...
Number 2, this is very important.
Don't talk about death.
Everybody knows they're gonna die, baby.
Nobody wanna hear it from you, you dig?
And number 3... and this gonna get you
some booty right here... You listening?
You feel me?
Music makes booty spin 'round, baby.
The Commodores: ? Lady?
? Pretty lady?
? You brought me in from out the rain?
- ? Yeah? - ? Baby?
? My life will never be the same?
? Once I was filled with desperation?
? A solitary man??
Here.
What's this?
It's your present, fuckhead. Open it.
Mm!
Happy birthday!
There you go, heh heh heh!
Smoke up!
Cabbie: All right, let's get this party rollin', baby!
[Horns Honking]
Just promise we won't go past Avenue A.
How many times I gotta tell you?
We're not going there.
I'm serious, Val. I knew a girl...
who got raped on B.
OK, OK. We're not going on B, OK?
It's so cool that we are hanging out
with the bands on New Year's Eve.
- When are we meeting them? - I told you. After the party.
So, what about this party? Are there gonna be any guys there?
Does your cousin know any guys?
She knows guys, but they're weird like her.
- Hey! - That's OK.
I like weird guys.
I can get into that shit.
So where's this party, Soho?
- Noho. - Noho? I thought you said Soho.
No. I said Noho.
That's not even a real place.
They just made that up.
That's not even on the map or nothin'.
Well, excuse me, OK? Wherever it is, it's right up ahead.
I love the East Village. It is so cool.
I mean, all the cool people live here!
- Wait a minute. - What?
I thought this was the place.
This shithole?
Yeah. This is the address she gave me.
- You're shittin' me. - No!
This is the address I wrote down.
So call her up.
I don't have her number.
What the fuck you carrying around in that pocketbook?
A fuckin' Encyclopedia Britannica?
I got makeup and shit in there.
Makeup and shit? That's just great.
We're totally fucked on New Year's Eve
with a pocketbook full of makeup
- And this shithole building address. - What should we do?
There's nothing we can do. We're fucked.
Look, I'll call and see if she's listed.
All right?
You got a dime?
She better be listed, Val!
Oh, God.
Uhh!
[Elvis Costello's Pump It Up Plays]
Kevin: Excuse me...
Whoa! Pardon me.
Lucy: Hi! Happy New Year!
Hey, baby.
- Excuse me. - Hi!
How's it hang?
Sorry.
You want a piece of me? Huh?
Hey... knock it off.
Ow!
- Hi. - Hi.
- Ha ha ha! - Asshole.
- You used to go out with her? - It was a long time ago.
How long ago?
l... I don't know. Um...
Well...
Um, maybe 6 months ago.
Six months?
You think that's a long time?
Yeah, I do. I think 6 months
is a considerable length of time.
Ugh!
Do you believe this place?
Do you think 6 months is a long time
to have broken up with somebody?
Oh, I guess...
if it's a clean break.
I brought you some matches.
He used to go out with the slutty girl
that's throwing this party tonight.
You went out with her?
Look, the only reason I said we would go
is because she's afraid no one's gonna turn up.
You spoke to her?
Yes, when she invited me.
Do you think she's right about no one showing up?
Well, I'm not going.
Excuse me.
Right back.
See how fun this is? This is so fun.
Whoo!
I think that bartender likes you.
Pfft! He doesn't like me. He likes you.
Really? Do you think so?
He is dreamy, sex-bomb cute.
Yeah, he's adorable.
Hey, man...
Hey! Man!
You're a fox.
Don't sell yourself short, sir.
The night's young.
He's gotta be depressed
working on New Year's Eve.
I'm gonna invite him to this party.
Everyone's depressed on New Year's Eve.
Only you are depressed on New Year's Eve.
I'm having a great time. See?
Drinking, fighting, loving the ladies?
What are you talking about?
It's the obligation to enjoy yourself.
That's what does it. Every year,
it's the same, desperate scrambling around
to surround yourself with as many people as possible,
go to some stupid party, pretend to be happy,
when really your girlfriend just left you,
and you have no career.
Are you gonna be like this all night?
Yeah.
Taxi!
Thank...
you.
Hi. Uh...
No, thanks, anyway, heh.
Wait! Uh...
No. No. You go ahead.
You go pick up somebody else.
I'll be OK.
Uh, excuse me, baby girl...
You seem to be experiencing a little indecision.
I do?
Yeah. You have this whole ambivalent vibe
radiating from your persona. Something is wrong, mama.
Oh, I ju... oh!
- Hmm. - Oops.
l, uh...
I'm sorry.
It's just this guy, you know?
Always is, baby.
Yeah, I was at this party...
and I saw him there...
and he was just... so...
Heh, anyway, l... I ended up going home with him,
and I've never done anything like that before,
so now I just want everything
to be perfect, you know? And...
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this.
Baby, come here for a second.
Sweetheart, you know what you need to do?
You need to get in this cab.
l... I do?
You've gotta say yes to your destiny.
- I do? - Yeah!
Life's happenin' right now, baby.
Look around you. Look around you.
There go some life, and over there, too.
Come on, mama... live!
Live tonight! Say yes.
Come on.
Uh... yes.
Say it loud.
Yes! Ha ha ha!
Come on, like you feel it. Come on, baby.
- Yes! - There you go.
Get in this cab. Destiny awaits.
OK.
What time is it?
Almost 8:30.
Oh.
[Yawns]
Caitlyn. Call me.
Look, I've had it with him,
and I'm not letting him push me into
this old girlfriend, party thing.
Absolutely not.
They only broke up 6 months ago, right?
Please, they're practically still going out.
Too bad, in a way.
He was the most successful artist
I've dated this year,
and he was kind of nice, you know?
Please. He was too nice.
Going out with him was, like, take your medicine.
Huh. And then...
he takes me to his gallery today
to see his new show.
And it sucks.
Ah! It sucked?
Yes. I can't even tell you.
You wouldn't even believe his work, OK?
It's like... big, abstract vaginas.
- Or something. - Ugh.
I hate abstract.
But at least he has a gallery.
I mean, that's something.
Also...
he's really bad in bed.
He's bad in bed?
He's the worst.
Oh.
OK, so, this is the address...
so you can check it out after work.
I think there's gonna be a lot of people there.
I mean... I'm gonna be there.
Um... with him.
Oh. OK.
I mean, I don't mean I'm with him
because we're just friends,
and we're not together...
Shit! Do you think he even heard me?
It's inevitable, you know?
You let somebody move in with you,
you make all these little compromises
to smooth things along, and the next thing you know,
you're on some macrobiotic diet,
you're listening to Joni Mitchell!
- And then you know what they say? - No.
They tell you you've changed.
You're not the same person I fell in love with.
Well... yeah...
And then they dump you.
What do you expect, Kevin?
I mean, you go out with condescending,
emasculating women.
You need to find somebody
that likes you the way you are.
And who would possibly like me the way I am?
I have no idea.
Now, finish your drink
because I wanna get that guy back over here.
[Shatters]
Where are we gonna go, huh?
We don't know anybody.
Well, maybe we'll meet somebody.
- What? - You know,
maybe we'll meet some people.
What are you, on another fuckin' planet?
Val, you don't just meet people on the street.
Even when you go to a party,
you don't meet people. You just stand around,
talking to the ones you already know.
Well, we're just gonna keep walking, all right?
I'll know it if I see it.
It's gotta be around here somewhere.
I been there once before.
- Call your mother. - My mother?
Yeah, she's got your cousin's number, don't she?
I can't call her.
She thinks I'm sleeping at your house tonight.
Listen to me. We are in deep shit here.
We either call your mother for the number,
or we get back on a train to Ronkonkoma.
You are so uncool.
You just stay the fuck away from B!
OK, so...
do you wanna stop and get a drink?
I don't know. Do you?
Yes, yes! I do. It's early.
I hate getting to a party
before everybody else, so...
Great. OK... Ha ha...
We can get a drink. I mean, if you want to.
I don't wanna force you to drink against your will.
Do you wanna stop or not?
Sure. If you do.
Look, Jack, we don't have to do this.
I thought you said you wanted a drink!
No. I mean about going to the party.
You don't wanna go to the party?
No... Look, it's just... it's New Year's Eve.
You don't have to spend it with me.
I mean, just because of...
Can I just say something?
I'm sensing a real reluctance on your part
to tell me what you would like to do tonight.
- Really? - Really.
And I think it's natural
if you feel a little bit awkward here,
you know, considering, but there's no reason
why we can't just go to the party and have a good time tonight, OK?
- OK. - OK. Now...
do you want to go to the party?
- Heh, sure. - All right.
If you want to.
Arrgh!
Let's get a drink.
OK.
Nobody's coming.
That's it. I have no friends,
and everybody hates me.
It's only 9:00.
What, are they all
just walking the streets out there?
Just walking the streets like zombies
because it's too uncool to be prompt?
You think there's gonna be
any interesting guys here tonight?
- Interesting guys? - Yeah...
'Cause I think I'm finally over Lenny.
Well, congratulations, Hillary.
I'm happy to hear it.
And what better night to start over
than New Year's Eve, right?
That is unless you're right,
and nobody shows up.
Well, if they do, you have my word...
any interesting guy walks through that door,
he's yours.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
You have first pick.
I'll usher them right over to you.
OK, but not in an obvious way.
I don't wanna look desperate.
Desperate? You could stand there naked
with a mattress strapped to your back
and still look like a vestal virgin.
Do you think that would work?
Where do they get these people?
You know?
[Moaning And Mumbling]
Hey, Luce...
I can't believe how drunk I am.
You're hiding it well.
You're right about New Year's Eve.
It sucks.
That bartender
doesn't even know I'm alive.
He has ceased refilling the peanut bowl.
Hey!
Can I get some penis over here?
What were you two doing back there?
- Nothing. - Nothing?
Do you have a light?
You were gone almost 20 minutes.
- No, I mean a match. - Eric, will you relax?
Look, I've been sitting here waiting all this time.
I deserve an explanation.
- Thank you. - Will you get a grip?
Look, I got a grip.
Could I have an explanation?
I'm really bad at this.
Really? I had you figured
for a... for a hardened professional.
Uh, you wanna break?
Uh... look, it's just a game.
It's no big deal. Relax.
- OK. - OK.
All right. Here you go.
Thanks.
- Your drink! - What?
Aah!
Oh, my God!
Ohh! Ohh!
God... excuse me!
Oh, ha ha! Sorry.
I got your, uh, drink.
Oh, my God! Val!
Val, this is it. This is B.
We're on B.
Oh, come on. We're almost there.
I'm pretty sure I remember this block.
No! No, I'm not taking one more step.
What's the matter with you?
Val, you're crossing onto B, OK?
I'm not moving from this corner.
So freeze your fucking ass off!
I'm going to the party.
Something terrible is gonna happen
if you cross that street!
I feel it in my gut!
Will you get a hold of yourself!
Nothing terrible's gonna happen to us.
We're going to a party is all.
Val! Val! Please listen to me!
We are so lost! We are so fucked!
Just please, call your mother.
Come on.
[Homeless Man Singing]
[Sighs]
OK.
Where are you going?
I gotta find a phone, don't I?
Well, there are phones on A, you know.
[Boom Box Playing Rap Music]
[Whimpering]
What's up?
Man.
- Mmm-mmm. - Mmm-mmm.
We are so incredibly fucked.
Val?
Val!
[Music Plays]
Ohh!
Oh...
Oh, God.
Ohh...
Oh...
Ohh!
[Gasps]
Oh. Oh...
That's just great.
That's perfect.
Yeah!
Ohh, look at that.
Fantastic.
Ah, it's Ellie.
Yeah. That's Ellie.
Mad Woman.
Ha ha!
She knew I'd be here,
so she deliberately put these up.
Well, you know what? It's not gonna work, Ellie.
It's not gonna work
'cause I'm doin' just fine without you.
Yeah, Kevin, you're doin' just great.
Fucking...
Oh...
Ow!
This is... oh...
This is bullshit. L...
Look, I'm just gonna go home and kill myself.
You want to share a cab?
So I can pass out
and wake up alone on New Year's Day?
No way, man. I'm going to this party.
I've got a date.
A date?
Yep.
What, with the bartender?
Yeah, with the bartender. You should come, Kevin.
You might meet somebody.
No way.
I refuse to buy into the desperation
of finding someone
just because it's New Year's Eve.
It's ridiculous and demeaning.
Life is ridiculous and demeaning, Kevin.
You should have sex on your birthday.
What is that, some kind of unwritten rule?
Gangway, please.
Yeah, it's a rule.
In fact...
Forget it.
Wait. What?
Nothing.
- Forget what? - Nothing.
Well... Well...
Lucy.
Are you...
Are you offering yourself to me?
Well... no, l...
I just thought if this thing with the bartender...
doesn't work out...
Yeah, right.
You think I'm ugly.
Well, I think you're drunk.
You think I'm ugly.
Lucy.
You know I don't have ugly people for friends.
Fine.
This is just... It's a waste of time.
You're hell-bent on eliminating
all traces of joy from this fine holiday.
[Muttering, lmitating Lucy] ...fine holiday!
? She said?
[Snoring]
Hey!
- Hey. - Wake up.
- What? - What time is it?
It's 9:25.
9:25.
Yeah.
9:25.
[Sing-Song] Yeah.
Why do you think
they're doing this to me, Hillary?
I don't know.
I think I'm finally
reaching the point of acceptance, though.
I mean about no one showing up.
It's kind of liberating.
In a way.
Like...
like coming face to face
with your worst nightmare.
Like facing death.
For Christ's sake,
it's not like facing death.
It's just a stupid New Year's Eve party.
You're turning on me, too?
OK, that's it.
I'm leaving.
What? What?
No, no. You're my only guest.
You can't leave before midnight.
I'll be back later.
No, you won't.
You say you will, but you won't.
Hillary, please, please,
please don't leave me here all alone
with the streamers and the crab dip.
I can't take it!
Jesus! Do you hear yourself?
Hillary, listen.
You want to meet interesting guys, right?
If you stay, I'll give you Eric.
Eric? Who's Eric?
You know, Eric, my last boyfriend.
I don't believe I recall an Eric.
Hillary, Jesus, we only broke up 6 months ago.
Look, I don't remember who I was dating
6 months ago.
You remember Eric.
The painter, the one with the accent.
Remember when we went to a show together?
He does all these big abstract paintings with the, um...
Oh, with the flowers?
Yes, exactly.
He isn't seeing anyone?
Not anyone worth mentioning.
OK. I'll do it.
You'll stay?
No, no. I'm still leaving.
But now I'll come back.
What... What do you mean, you'll come back?
We made a deal.
I know, but I wasn't coming back before.
Now I will.
But... No, that's... that's not our deal.
Our deal was you're not supposed to leave!
Ohh!
Woman: Maria!
Are you breaking up with me?
I don't know what to say.
I thought everything was fine.
Look, to tell you the truth,
I'm still in love with my old boyfriend.
He's French-Canadian.
Yeah, and I met him... while... I was...
Camping.
Ha ha ha.
I don't believe this.
We didn't even officially break up.
Um, he just...
disappeared.
Disappeared?
While we were on a mountain-climbing trip.
We all thought he was dead.
But he called this morning, so...
So he just called you up out of the blue.
Just called you up to say,
Hey, how are you? I'm not dead.
That's right.
Well, that's the most ridiculous story
I've ever heard in my entire life.
Eric, Jesus, Eric...
And what kind of woman are you anyway,
just blurting it out like this
in the street on New Year's Eve?
I'm sorry.
Oh, you're sorry?
Yeah, well, yeah, well, yeah,
well, you better be sorry, sweetheart,
because you're the one that has to live with this.
Not me. You're the one inventing old boyfriends
and bringing them back from the dead.
And you, with your sordid little agenda.
Well... Oh, I've had it with you.
You deserve each other.
I don't believe this!
Oh, my God. Do you believe him?
Really.
Do you believe him?
Like it's your fault he's bad in bed.
[Rock Music Playing]
There's no answer.
Oh, my God, there's no answer?
What the fuck is your mother doing
not answering her phone?
I don't know. Maybe she went to a party or something.
Oh, my God.
Or maybe she's down in the laundry room.
Well, what the fuck are we supposed to do,
hang out for the rinse cycle or something?
I don't know.
All right, this is what you're gonna do.
You're going to call this band
and tell them we're meeting them early, all right?
End of story.
I can't.
What do you mean you can't?
I just can't, all right?
Oh, my God. There is no band, is there?
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about you.
The liar who's been bragging for months
about how we're gonna meet this band
on New Year's Eve in New York City,
when there ain't no band.
There ain't no nothing.
It was the only way I could get you
to come into the city with me.
I bet your cousin isn't even having a party.
She is having a party. I just need the address.
All right, look. We'll go in here,
we'll get a couple beers,
and I'll try it again later.
We don't belong in there, Val.
We don't belong on B.
We're in way over our heads here.
Stephie, we got money, we got fake I.D.s.
From where I'm standing,
we got just as much right to be in there
as anybody else.
Oh, my God.
What? What's the matter?
It's those guys.
They're definitely following us.
Are they cute?
- Val! - I'm just asking.
All right, come on, let's go.
Stephie: Excuse me!
You know what?
I can't even tell you how many men I've fucked.
I believe you.
I couldn't... I couldn't even make a list anymore.
That's how many there are.
Lucy, I believe you fucked many, many men, OK?
A lot more than Ellie.
Just drop this now, please.
That's for sure.
She's too busy being expressive
and making trivial performance art
to attract anybody but you.
And Jack, of course.
What?
Well, Jack will fuck anybody.
Ellie and Jack? When did that happen?
I don't know. Three weeks ago, a month.
Recently? While we were still together?
Why didn't you tell me?
Kevin, I thought you knew. Everybody knew.
Apparently not everyone.
I can't believe this.
It must be part of the whole Zelda thing.
The whole, you know, high-strung,
tempestuous,
castrating,
bitch from hell,
make my life miserable persona.
You know, this is turning out to be the worst birthday ever.
l... I wasn't expecting much, but this is an unprecedented low.
Don't try to make me feel sorry for you.
Don't even start.
'Cause I'm... I'm so sick of your shit tonight.
You know what, Kevin?
We're going to that party.
We're going to that party,
and we're going to have fun,
whether you like it or not.
And you know what?
You better pray that the bartender shows up.
Oh!
Wow. That was pretty embarrassing.
I mean, that was awful.
The pool table, the lamp, and everything.
It's OK. I never planned
on going back there again anyway, so.
Jack, maybe I should just go home.
If that's what you want.
Uh, OK. I'll... I'll call you a cab.
We could do it again another time.
Absolutely. Sure.
You know, when there isn't so much pressure.
Pressure?
Yeah, you know.
Big New Year's Eve date thing.
And plus, I've never really done
the kind of thing I did last night.
Taxi!
Goddamn it.
As a matter of fact, I've ne...
I never really did it at all.
Did what?
You know...
It.
It. You never... You never did it?
Oh, well, no.
You're kidding me. Why didn't you tell me?
I guess I was afraid you were going to think
I was some kind of freak or something.
So what you're saying is that I was your first?
Yeah.
First, first. Like I was the first guy
that you ever let...
Ha ha ha. Yeah.
- Ever? - Yeah.
Yes.
Wow.
Ha ha. You're... You're embarrassing me, Jack.
I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.
I'm stunned. This has never happened to me before.
Well, now you know how I feel.
But why me? I mean, we hardly knew each other.
You know, I don't really feel comfortable
talking about this.
Well, that's OK. l... I understand.
Ah-choo!
God, oh, you must be freezing.
What am I doing? Let me get you inside.
Are you hungry?
Um, what, you don't want me to go home?
No, no, no, don't go home.
Stay. Stay. Let's get some food in you,
and then we'll go to the party later, together.
Are you sure?
I'm... I'm really sure.
Come on. I know this great little Indian place nearby.
You like Indian?
Well, sure!
I mean, if you do.
Bartender: This is where it is.
It's, uh, it's supposed to be a good party.
You guys should come by.
- Yeah. - Thanks. We will.
Yeah, fine.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, he's so cute.
Yeah, OK, it's almost 10:00,
and, um, we've got to get dates.
What about him?
Please, it's just too desperate
getting picked up by some bartender.
Some bartender? What are you? You're a waitress.
Excuse me. I'm an artist.
OK, so maybe he's an artist, too.
Believe me, he's not an artist.
Will you just forget about him?
[Glass Breaks]
We still have 2 more hours.
Caitlyn, I know a girl who went home alone on New Year's Eve.
It was like she was jinxed for the whole year.
Twelve months, completely invisible to guys, OK?
It was like she was tainted.
We'll get dates.
When have we ever not gotten dates?
It happened to me.
Remember '78, I went home alone?
You were in a committed,
monogamous relationship that week.
There was no committed monogamous relationship.
That was a cover story.
Hi.
I forgot my key.
Jenny, I'm... I'm sorry.
Don't. Love means never having to say you're sorry.
I hate you motherfuckers.
[Pounding On Door]
Oh, my God...
Guests!
Thank you, God, thank you!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Coming!
[Pounding On Door]
[People Celebrating]
Eric, hi. Happy New...
Year.
Great party.
Oh, come on, Eric. You know how it is.
No one wants to be the first to arrive.
That's all.
How about some food? You want some food?
I made the crab dip myself.
So, uh, where's, um, what's-her-face?
She's not coming.
Oh, she's not?
She broke up with me. Do you believe that?
It's New Year's Eve, and the woman breaks up with me.
And wait till you hear the story she came up with.
Suddenly, she's got this mountain-climbing boyfriend
that everyone thought was dead,
but now it turns out he's alive!
Have you ever heard such a pile of shit?
Well, you know how it is.
You know what we need? We need some music.
Don't you think?
Something Christmas-y, huh?
I hate Christmas.
Jesus, Eric, help me out here, OK?
I'm hanging on by a thread.
[Feliz Navidad Plays]
? Feliz Navidad?
Oh, my God. Stop yourself!
Look, I hate the holidays.
I hate the way they're all bunched together.
And I think the whole thing stinks.
And... And it's all bullshit.
? Feliz Navidad??
[Rock Music Playing]
? Yeah, yeah, yeah?
Hey, could we get some beers over here?
Oh, my God, Val, we have to go.
Would you hold on a minute? I'm trying to get a beer.
Val, Val, it's those guys!
It's them. They're coming over here!
Oh, God, those are them?
Come on!
Oh, shit! Move it. Excuse me.
We're sorry.
Hurry up!
Over there. There's the door. Come on!
Jesus, Stephie!
Hey. Aah!
[Crash]
Come on! Come on!
Aah!
Oh! Aah!
We're fucked.
Oh, my God.
Oh, hey, how you doing?
Wow, it's kind of, uh, hot in there, huh?
We thought we'd come out here and get some air and just, um,
and, uh, take this opportunity to introduce ourselves.
My name's Tom. This is Dave.
And, uh... hey, man, he has no manners.
Show the ladies what we've got for them, bro.
Mmm.
Beverages. Beer.
[Sizzling]
Ha ha.
Jack, you're doing it again.
Oh, I'm sorry. It's just, uh,
you know, what can I say?
This is... This is turning out to be
a pretty unusual evening.
Unusual?
How?
Well, unusual, um,
in no, uh, particular way. Look...
Um, Cindy, I hate to press a point here,
but I keep thinking about what you said earlier
about last night being your first time and everything.
What about it?
I wonder, you know, why me?
You know, what... what was it about me
in particular, OK? Being specific,
that made you decide to, you know.
Oh, yeah, OK, yeah, right.
It's, um...
Why did I choose you?
Mmm...
Drawing a blank.
That's... That's OK, drawing a...
You know that they say, uh, blanks are, um...
Look, uh, as an actor,
Cindy, I find myself very intrigued
by people's motivations.
Mm-hmm.
Look, you're...
you're a very attractive girl.
You must have had lots of opportunities.
Especially as pretty as you are,
I'm surprised it hasn't happened by accident,
so a guy has to wonder...
what makes him so great?
Well, one thing I remember about last night was...
Yes.
That you were probably the most...
The most what?
Oh, God.
You OK?
Here, drink some water.
- Oh, God. - Drink!
- Drink it! - [Glass Dings]
- Ow! - Here, no.
Uh, that'll make it worse. Have some wine.
Is it better?
You probably ate one of those chilies.
No, it was so big.
Try to keep it in your mouth.
It was so big.
I thought it was okra.
Okra's brown.
What, are you OK?
Mmm!
I'll be... fine.
Eww!
I'll be OK.
Oh!
It's all right. It's all right.
This happens every day.
I'm sorry.
Oh!
Oh.
I'll be right back.
That is fine! No problem.
It happens here every night.
The most what?
No, I'm not going to shut up.
I have a right to know.
I have a right to know
why you won't fuck me, Kevin.
Lucy, do you want to fuck?
Because if you really, really want to fuck,
we'll fuck, OK?
You don't think I'm serious.
How long have we known each other?
In the... ln the 5 years we've known each other,
have you once even ever considered having sex with me?
Apart from tonight.
You don't think I'm attracted to you.
I don't think you're attracted to half the men you sleep with.
You think I'm a slut!
What? No.
Yeah, you think I'm a big slut.
I don't think you're a slut.
A... A stanky, little ho maybe,
but never a slut.
The truth is you're afraid.
What? I'm afraid.
I'm, yeah, OK, you... I feel so naked right now.
I'm totally afraid.
It is so obvious.
And so ridiculous.
Prove it.
I don't have to prove anything.
I dare you.
Kevin, I dare you to fuck me.
What? So what, now?
You want to go to some smelly bathroom
and, uh, have loveless New Year's sex
in the stench of air freshener?
Unless you're chicken.
So we got to go back to the club
to deliver this package to my friend Tony.
Is that cool?
Yeah, it's cool.
So, uh, what's in this package anyway?
It's, uh...
Well, it's, uh, you know, it's uh,
it's like I said, it's for my friend Tony.
Oh, yeah? It's for Tony?
All right. Well, I'm leaving.
Where you going?
I'm going to the train station
to get out of here before these jerks get us killed.
You wanted to hang out with the bands, right?
These guys are musicians.
They're roadies, Val. There's a little difference.
I didn't want to have to tell you this
'cause I know you're gonna spaz out,
but the last train for Ronkonkoma
left an hour ago.
Are you telling me we're stranded here for the night?
We gotta book. You coming?
Yeah, we're coming.
[Whispers] Heroin.
Oh, Stephie, you know?
Caitlyn, I'm warning you,
keep your slutty hands off my bartender.
He's not your bartender.
He's our bartender.
Caitlyn, your skirt's been over your head for hours.
Jesus, like it's my fault I'm irresistible to men.
Look, he wants me. Not you, me.
You think so?
Yeah, I do think so.
Hey, guys.
- Hi. - Hi.
Listen, I think it's still a bit early for this party.
What do you say we go get some cocktails?
Eric: For some reason,
every single woman I go out with
ends up breaking up with me.
I mean, why is that, Monica?
I don't know. Lots of reasons probably.
Yeah, right.
Yeah, it's always lots of reasons.
I've never got a straight answer
out of one of you.
Like you...
What was your reason?
Oh, really, Eric, who remembers?
You don't remember? It was only 6 months ago.
Well, 6 months is a long time.
No, 6 months is nothing!
Jesus, Eric, relax.
OK, fine. You don't remember the lame excuse
you gave me 6 months ago for breaking up with me.
I'll tell you.
You like me as a friend, but not as a boyfriend,
even though you found me attractive.
That's not lame.
It makes no sense whatsoever.
I think it makes sense.
See? That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I have to deal with.
These insane leaps of reasoning.
And they sound logical at first,
until later.
Until you go home, sit down,
and think about them.
And then it's like...
what?
Really, Eric, you just got to calm down.
Look, all I'm asking for is the truth.
If you want to break up with me, fine.
Just tell me the reason why.
Is that too much to ask?
I'm stupid.
What are you doing?
I'm going home.
But you just got here.
Eric, please, please, don't do this. Don't go.
OK, fine, I won't go home.
Tell me the truth and I'll stay.
What?
Tell me the real reason
you broke up with me and I'll stay.
OK, OK, OK, OK, I'll do it. Oh, God!
I can't speak for Bridget or any of the others...
Fine.
But for me, just for me.
The truth is I broke up with you
because you were the worst lover
I ever had in my life.
What?
I'm serious.
Even counting high school,
it was... it was bad.
Ow! [Grunting]
What are you doing?
The dress.
What's wrong with it?
The zipper's stuck.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
[Zipper Unzips]
Damn, baby.
? Do that to me one more time?
? Once is never enough?
- ? With a man like you? - Ow!
I'm all right. You OK?
I'm fine.
? Do that to me one more time?
[Zipper Unzips]
? Oh?
? Kiss me?
? Like you just did?
We're just having fun.
[Door Opens]
? Oh, baby?
- [Door Closes] - [Footsteps]
Someone's coming.
? Do that to me once again?
Ellie: Kevin?
Hello, Kevin.
I recognize your shoes.
I bought them for you, remember?
Uh-oh.
? Pass that by me one more time??
Ellie.
Oh, that's perfect.
Perfect. Good for you.
Wait.
That's perfect.
What are you doing here?
I was contemplating using the bathroom, asshole.
This is such an incredible coincidence.
Isn't this an incredible coincidence?
Yeah, it's incredible.
It is incredible.
- Weird. - I can't believe it.
Twenty-four hours ago, you were so heartbroken,
and now you're throwing yourself at her?
Her? We're just friends. You remember Lucy.
Why did you have to bring her to our coffee shop?
It's not what you think.
You know what?
It doesn't even matter what I think.
Don't. Wait, where you going?
Off. Off. Off.
To call my therapist.
You can't call your therapist on New Year's Eve.
I'm staying at his place.
Oh, so you're shacking up with him?
No, I'm not shacking up with him.
I'm staying there until I find a new apartment.
Wasn't there enough room at Jack's?
What are you talking about?
Well, I just happened to hear a whole story
about how you and Jack were sleeping with each other
the entire time we were going out.
Oh, stop it. You're insane.
I've never slept with Jack.
What?
I have never slept with Jack.
I don't believe you.
You know, I just...
I just left a message on your machine
saying I wanted to move back in.
That is so pathetic. Fine. You know what?
Enjoy. Enjoy.
But, baby!
No, don't baby me.
OK, so I was wrong about Jack.
Jack?
Uh, hi. Um...
- Cheryl. - Cheryl. Right.
I can't believe you don't remember my name.
What are you talking about? It's Cheryl.
I just... I just said. Cheryl, right?
So, uh, how... how are things?
You said you were going out of town for New Year's Eve.
Really? I said that. That's, uh, that's fun...
It's funny. I don't remember saying that.
You said you'd be gone all week.
Oh, I did say that.
Uh, and, uh, you know what happened?
My ski trip. Ahem.
I was supposed to go on a ski trip
and it got canceled.
You said you were flying to L.A.
to audition for a sitcom.
I did?
I can't believe I was stupid enough
to care about you, Jack.
Uh, look.
Uh, Cheryl...
Just do me a favor.
Don't call me again.
OK?
Jerk.
Good to see you, too, Cheryl.
Hap... Hap... Happy New Year. Hi.
She's my friend.
Hey, pal, did you see, uh...
Right. Cindy, uh, you OK in there?
I'm just fine.
Great, Jack.
[Speaking Hindi]
OK, it's, uh, how you doing?
Uh, Cindy, please,
we're making a scene.
Could you come out of there now?
Um... yeah.
Uh, you about ready to go?
Because I think I'd really like to get out of here.
Like right now.
Cindy!
I'm coming.
Please. Please, Cindy.
Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you.
For reasons I can't explain right now,
I need you to come out of the bathroom.
Come out.
Oh, my God.
You look like you're about to throw up or something.
I know. I look terrible.
No, no, that's not what I meant.
I mean, look, so what, you ate a chili.
It's no big deal.
Yeah, sure, you say that now,
but tomorrow, it's going to be another story.
You know, tomorrow, it's going to be,
Oh, no, there's that chili girl
calling me again."
Come on. You don't know that's going to happen.
[Blows Nose]
Eww.
I just wanted everything to be perfect.
Because, Jack, I really think you're the most...
I just think you're so...
What? What?
I just think you're a really nice person, Jack.
You think I'm nice?
You are nice.
Remember last night
when I got the nosebleed at the party?
You know, most guys wouldn't even look at me
after something like that.
Most guys.
Uh, why don't we... why don't we take this outside?
What?
Let's just talk, but outside.
Oh, OK.
Not in... no, here, wait a minute.
No, no, no, no, this way.
I paid the check already.
I got your coat, your gloves.
[Crash]
Ow!
? She's got Bette Davis eyes?
? She'll take a tumble on you?
? Throw you like you were dice??
Hey, guys.
Here we go. Whoop...
This is yours.
Can you tell I'm a professional?
Cheers.
Bartender: Happy New Year.
'82, rock on.
Ah, that's really good.
So, no. The answer to the unspoken question.
I won't be serving Mai Tais my whole life.
Tell me about it. I'm a secretary.
That's nothing. I'm a waitress.
That's great.
What would you rather be doing?
Um... well, I'm in my third year of law school.
Law school?
You're kidding.
Bridget: You mean you're not an artist?
No. As a matter of fact, I'm not kidding.
My dad's a lawyer, and turns out
I picked up a little bit of a knack for the thing
off the old man, and...
I mean, that's only what I wanna do short term
before I get out and play the market full-time.
That and buying and selling converted co-op properties.
Condos is something that I'm gonna get into.
You know, you gotta ride this wave.
This is Reaganomics.
This is the time to invest, prime the pump.
I'm kind of nervous. Can you tell?
It's the first time
I've ever been on a date with 2 girls.
It's kind of cool.
Do you guys like to dance,
or do you like Devo or what?
You know what? I mean, those outfits
really feature you guys well.
They're really sexy.
My clothes and those clothes
would look good on my floor.
Seriously.
By the way,
how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Scrambled or fertilized?
No. I'm kidding. That's a joke.
[Punk Music Blares]
I can't believe I'm letting you
drag me back into this skank pit.
I'm gonna go find Tony.
Yeah, OK.
All right.
I can't believe you let him French you.
Will you grow up already?
[Boogie Wonderland Plays]
Hey! Hey!
I thought you were giving that package to your friend.
Yeah. He went to a party on Avenue D.
We have to go meet him there.
- What? - Cool.
Wanna dance?
Yeah. Sure.
Did you say D, D like dog?
Whoo!
[Burp]
I'm getting out of here.
Val! Val!
? Find romance?
Val!
? Start the dance?
? Find romance?
Val!
? In boogie wonderland?
? Boogie wonderland?
? You say your prayers?
? And don't, you don't care?
? You dance and shake your hands?
? In boogie wonderland?
? Boogie wonderland??
I mean, we're not talking physical oddity here, right?
I mean, the dimensions that we're speaking of,
they're well within the standard range
of normal human proportions.
It's not that.
Oh, the time I fell asleep.
Woman, I was tired.
I mean, I'm only human, for Christ's sake.
It wasn't that either, OK?
Well, what then?
What was so horrible that you never even gave me a chance?
I mean, a person can make progress, you know.
I mean, there's techniques you can learn
and books you can buy.
No. I don't think that would've helped.
So I'm hopeless? That's it. I'm hopeless.
You still have your work.
Oh! My work! My work!
Of course. Thank you.
Thank you. I feel fantastic now.
Eric, look, some things just can't be helped, you know?
Yep. I understand.
You bring me over here, and you tell me
I'm the worst lover you ever had.
And now you tell me it can't be helped.
Look, I'm sorry that what's-her-face dumped you.
OK? And I'm sorry
that you're so bad in bed. I really am.
But most of all, I'm sorry
that I decided to throw this atrocity,
this nightmarish ordeal of a New Year's party
because this is breaking me, Eric.
Do you understand me? This party is breaking me.
Nnhh!
You don't have to get so emotional.
I mean, it's not that bad.
It's not that bad?
Eric, we are standing here with one hostess
who's on the verge of hysteria
and one guest... one guest... who spent the entire evening
coming to terms with his sexual problems, OK?
That's it! That's my party!
Happy fucking New Year!
How could I have been so stupid?
Wait up.
Of course Ellie's gonna show up tonight,
given that it's the worst possible thing
that could happen.
I'm never gonna forgive you for this, Lucy.
It's not my fault your girlfriend caught us
making out in a bathroom stall.
You know, I didn't hear any complaints
when your hands were up my dress!
You know, this is a big joke to you,
but this is my life. You don't understand.
You should be thanking me for helping you
sever a totally unhealthy relationship.
Thanking you? My life
is totally screwed up now because of you.
Your life has been totally dark, evil, and nihilistic
since the day I met you!
It never gets any better.
You're so depressed, Kevin.
The only reason I keep you around as my friend
is because you make my life look great
by comparison.
Oh, thank you. What a humanitarian!
Your life's a rose!
Maybe I should leave.
Maybe you should!
Where you going?
To find that bartender.
The bartender? Well, that's just perfect.
Give him my regards.
I will. Fuck you!
Fuck you!
Just remember, I was the one
that wanted to stay home tonight, Lucy.
Oh!
Jack, what are you doing?
Nothing. I just, uh...
Mm...
Mm. [Giggles]
Hey, you OK over there?
Wow...
OK, let's go now.
Oh.
I guess I was wrong about tonight
turning out to be so terrible.
Yeah. Maybe. But let's just go to the party, OK?
No. Jack, I mean,
I think I'm falling in love with you.
What?
I mean, I... I think I'm in love with you.
Oh... not again.
What do you mean not again?
Look, don't do this, OK? Just don't do this.
You don't even know me.
But I like you, and I thought you liked me.
Yeah. I do like you. I like you a lot.
But I like a lot of people. See?
Yeah, I see.
Oh, come on, don't be like that. Look, Cheryl...
Cindy!
My name is Cindy!
Right. I know. I'm sorry.
Who's Cheryl?
She's... wh... th... it doesn't matter.
You're in love with this Cheryl person?
No! No. I'm not in love with anybody.
That's the point. The whole topic makes me uncomfortable.
Look, let's just forget everything,
and we'll go to the party. OK? Come on.
Go to the party with me.
Be careful on the ice.
I wouldn't go to that party with you
if you were the last man on Earth.
Come on, don't do this, Cindy.
Oh, go to hell! Aah!
Aah, aah, oh, God.
Oh, my God!
Oh... God!
You all right?
No! I think I landed in a big pile of dog shit!
Eww!
Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed.
It's not that bad. Really.
It's not that bad.
Oh, leave me alone!
Jesus, I hate you.
You're just such a big phony!
It's like you're not nice at all!
I never said I was nice.
You're the one who kept going on all night
about how nice I was.
Oh, you're so conceited!
What are you talking about?
You think I haven't noticed?
I mean, ever since you found out I was a virgin
before last night,
you've been hounding me for a reason why.
Why did I choose you?
What was it about you? You, you, you!
That's all you care about!
I was curious.
Listen, you think there was something special about you?
Well, guess what? It could've been anybody.
Yeah, that's right.
You were just there.
I would have gone home with anybody last night.
I just wanted to get it over with.
It could've been anybody!
OK, date's over. Look, why don't we
just end this date right here, OK?
That's fine with me.
We'll both go home, and if we're lucky,
we'll never have to see each other again.
Sounds perfect.
Great. Wanna share a cab?
Fine!
Fine.
I bet that Cheryl person hates you, too.
Yeah. Her and every other woman in New York.
Taxi!
So common, so typical, so similar!
You men are so similar in your mediocrity.
You're like a pack of Philistines!
These matches are disappointing me!
Here you go, baby.
I can't be babied, but thank you.
You see what I did?
I said thank you. That's courtesy.
And courtesy and manners are what women know.
Men, you get into a relationship,
and the woman is so willing
to sublimate her needs to guide her man
through the important signposts of life, lovingly.
Very lovingly.
And then you turn your back for 24 hours
and you go into a public restroom,
and there he is, making out with another woman!
Do you see what I'm saying?
Oh, I feel you.
And who do I have to blame? I have myself to blame
because I've dated enough narcissistically neurotic men
to know that you are all just a pack of roaming babies
in search of a giant teat
from which to suck the life blood out of me
until I'm a hollow shell.
What?
Well, baby, all this talk about teats
just made me think I should say something.
Uh, I'm sensing a lot of hostility
coming from the back seat.
Oh, really? That's very astute.
Well, that's not good for me, man.
That kind of energy
damages the plush interior of my cab, right?
And you're blowing a $5.00 high, mama.
You need to find yourself a man
who's secure enough to appreciate you
for the superior woman that you are.
I like a strong woman.
Oh... yeah. Mm-hmm.
And you are a strong woman.
If I was you, I would pull over with me
and celebrate our strength together.
What do you think about that, baby?
This corner's great.
This corner's fantastic for me.
Well, let's do that. I didn't know you wanted
to pull over so soon, but I'll tell you what,
do you wanna make slow, passionate love,
or should I leave the meter running?
Baby? Baby?
Baby actually left.
Mm, mm, mm.
Now, let me see. Did I smile?
I must not have smiled. That's what it was.
Bridget: That was a total waste of time.
Really, law school. That is so yuppie.
Do you believe him going on
about real estate all night?
What is it with guys
where they think you give a shit about their stuff?
Oh! There he is.
Bridget: You think this is too mean ditching him this way?
Caitlyn: Please, the law school thing is bad enough,
but what's with the cowboy shirt and the gladiator hair?
Bridget: Really.
Oh, and you might want to try a new approach.
This whole thing with the matchbooks
is so predictable.
What do you expect? I'm under a deadline.
What time is it anyway?
Oh, my God.
- What? - We've got an hour.
An hour? Are you serious?
Come on!
Wait a minute.
The last thing...
The last day of 1981.
? I don't care?
? We don't care?
? I don't care?
? About this world?
? I don't care?
? About that girl?
? I don't care??
[Moans]
Eric: Oh, yeah. That's good.
Oh, that's so good.
[Monica Whimpers]
You see, it's all in the technique.
Most people, they underestimate the importance
of the rotational thrust.
Eric, you're hurting my skin.
Well, that's just great!
Ow!
You know, I don't think I'm the one
with the problem here, Monica.
I think it's you.
I think you're blaming me for being bad in bed
because you're clearly stunted in some way physically.
It's not my fault you're an emotional cripple.
Well, that's so typical of a woman.
It's all about emotions and intimacy...
and feelings and all that vague ambiguous bullshit!
It's sex. That's it!
Two people in a bed getting off!
Not some ethereal thing out there to embrace humanity.
Look, you wanted to know why you were bad in bed,
and I told you.
You don't have to bite my head off
just because you're inadequate.
Oh, now I'm inadequate.
Mm-hmm.
You think I'm inadequate?
Yeah.
Well, you just take that god-awful dress off,
and I'll show you who's adequate, honey.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna prove you wrong. That's right.
I'm gonna have you on your hands and knees
begging for mercy.
[Grunts]
Oh, my God!
Are you insane?
Jesus, there's nobody here yet?
Uh, Eric's here.
Eric, right. Hi.
Hi, I'm Hillary.
I just love your flowers.
My what?
Your, you know, your flowers.
Jesus, you scared me half to death.
Wanna beer?
What are you still doing with that package?
I thought we were getting out of here already.
Yeah, well, Tony's not here yet,
so we'll just stick around and see if he shows up.
Great.
Man, that's a cool party, huh?
It's retarded. I wanna leave.
Oh, yeah? Well, where do you want to go?
Ronkonkoma.
What?
You know, Ronkonkoma.
Yeah, well, it's on Long Island.
Long Island, huh?
I'm from Jersey.
Congratulations.
Yeah.
So, uh, can I ask you a question?
It's a free country.
Well, did Val say something to you about me?
Because I thought we were really hitting if off there
for a while.
I mean, it felt like she really liked me,
you know, and, now she's in there making out with Dave,
and I'm just wondering, I mean,
did I do something to offend her?
You know how it is.
Yeah.
It's like when I first met Val, though, you know,
I was like... whoa! This is the one!
This is the one. Because the thing with Val is,
you know, she's different.
I mean, she's just like this little girl,
and l, you know,
I wanted to, like, I wanted to get near her,
and I wanted to be with her,
you know, her big eyes, her big, round head, you know.
I just thought maybe, you know, I was falling in...
I mean, you know, maybe this is...
I don't know. I mean...
All right, you probably think it's really jerky, huh?
Sayin' somethin' 'cause I just met her.
Look, can I tell you something here?
Because this is like the worst night of my life, OK?
I mean, I'm standing here in a basement
on fucking Avenue D,
so I'm sorry if you're having troubles
finding the right girl and everything.
But I'm just trying to get the fuck home
before somebody kills me, all right?
All right.
Yeah, I can see that. Yeah.
? Please?
? Don't let this feeling end?
? It may not come again?
? And I want to remember?
? How it feels to touch you?
? How I feel so much?
? Since I found you?
? Looking through the eyes of love??
I got you some flowers.
Uh, mind if I sit down?
I'm with someone.
Wh...
You're with someone?
You understand.
What, the bartender?
He's in the bathroom.
He's going to be right back.
You know what? You should just go home.
That's what you wanted to do.
Just go home
and don't worry about me,
'cause I'm set for the night.
Look, you just met this guy.
So?
So don't you think
it seems a little sudden
or something to be...
You are much
more judgmental between girlfriends.
- Have you ever noticed that, Kevin? - Fine. All right.
You want to throw yourself at some guy you just met, it's your business.
I'm going home.
Oh.
There.
Thanks.
OK. Look...
What?
The thing is... What l...
what I want to say,
what I'm...
Yes?
Yes, Kevin?
Let's do it.
What?
I think we should do it.
You've got to be kidding.
I'm serious. I think we should
go back to the coffee shop
and... just... do it.
What do you say? Come on. You in?
You know what? I can't just leave the bartender.
It's my birthday.
We're practically obligated to do it.
You said so yourself.
Come on.
I dare you.
I dare you to fuck me.
? Ain't no big thing?
Cabbie: Mmm, mmm, mmm.
? To wait for the bell to ring?
Deep thing. ? Tain't no big thing?
? The toll of the bell??
Hillary: Do you mean to tell me
she actually broke up with you
on New Year's Eve?
Eric: l... I was flabbergasted.
Well, obviously she was threatened
by your creativity.
Your work, it's so brilliant,
so powerful.
You think so?
Oh, absolutely.
What other reason could there be?
See, l... I've always been fascinated
by the female form.
Oh.
Take you, Hillary.
You would make a wonderful artist's model.
You have an almost perfect symmetry.
I've been working out.
Ohh, I can see that.
[Burps]
You really seem to understand my thrust.
I guess I do.
I can't believe I almost went home earlier.
I feel exactly the same way.
Can I get you another drink?
Hillary, you should come down to the studio
and take a look at my work
before my next show.
Really? I mean, of course.
Great.
[Both Laugh]
Taxi!
Oh, great. Just drive right past me
like I'm not even here.
Look, can I just say something?
I'm not speaking to you, Jack.
I think you'll feel a little better
if you hear me out.
Look, what happened between us last night is, like,
this ongoing problem with me.
It... lt happens all the time.
I meet someone, we go home together,
but then the next day, it's...
What? Next day what?
Well, they tell me that
suddenly they've developed
these feelings for me.
W-What are you saying?
That every woman you go home with
falls in love with you or something?
Yes.
It's like a curse. It never ends.
A woman falls in love with you
and you think that's a curse?
You have no idea.
No. I don't,
because I think you're lucky.
I mean, there are some people
who wait their entire lives
for somebody to tell them
they feel that way about them,
and you, you just throw it away
like it's nothing,
like it's a minor inconvenience.
Well, let me tell you something, Jack.
You are cursed,
just not the way you think you are.
Well, then how?
Good-bye, Jack.
Where you going?
[Whistles]
Taxi.
Cindy, wait.
You can't leave.
You got dog shit on your back.
Your dress.
Fuck me.
Will you hurry up?
There's got to be a cab around here somewhere.
I can't. I can't go on.
No, listen to me. Listen to me.
I'm getting to that party.
Do you understand me?
It's my only hope, thanks to you.
Excuse me?
I know it's not much,
but at least Eric will be there.
Eric?
Oh, you want Eric? Fine. I'll take
the bartender/lawyer/real estate guy.
Taxi.
Lady.
He's all yours.
Get away from that cab.
We have an emergency.
292 Great Jones Street.
Oh, you know, baby,
you better tell me that when we get moving.
I'm a little intoxicated.
It's New Year's Eve. Ha ha.
I can't believe that you are so hard up
that you'd go for that lawyer.
I suppose now you want him
for yourself, huh?
You are so paranoid.
Or maybe you want Eric and the lawyer.
Is that it?
Hey, hey.
Please... Please don't touch me.
Too much hostility.
Can you just get the car to move?
You know, baby, in life, sometimes
you got to stay still to move forward.
What?
Would you like a cigarette?
Yeah.
Yeah, come on.
Here you go.
You know, this song
always reminds me
of me and my buddy Twain.
Twain was my best friend a few years back,
till we fell in love with the same girl.
Mmm. Pretty girl. Foxy.
Anyway, Twain was the smooth one.
You know, I was a shy little knuckle-head kid.
I had no Afro back then,
so, you know, I wasn't...
wasn't smooth.
Anyway, one night I went to a restaurant,
bump into Twain and the girl of my dreams
eating dinner.
I sat in the back of the restaurant
and watched them eat dinner
all goddamn night.
First they had a little finger food,
wine, cheese, the whole thing,
and the whole time I'm sitting over there,
I said, I wish that that was me.
Next thing I know,
Twain bite into a string bean
and choked to death
right in the middle
of the goddamn restaurant.
Mmm. Hmm.
I always thought, it could've been me.
It should've been me.
This song always make me think about that.
Mmm.
Silky ho. I'll never forget her.
So what are you saying, love kills?
No.
He's saying we shouldn't fight
about these guys,
and personally, I think he's right.
Oh, I know I'm right, baby.
What if, for the sake
of our friendship, we just decided
to leave the party alone tonight?
[Laughs]
You...
you mean no guys at all?
That sounds much better, doesn't it?
Uh-huh.
You mean, we go home alone,
no guys at all,
even if it means we get jinxed
for the whole year?
That's the kind of sacrifice
I'm willing to make for our friendship.
[Laughs]
Well,
OK.
What's happening in this cab right now
is beautiful.
It's beautiful.
Is there any way that you can
get this car to just move?
Is there any way you can get out the car
and, uh, move that truck for me?
Lucy: Kevin, don't. Don't.
Just stop it.
Stop it.
What? What? What?
What... What did I do? What's wrong?
I don't know.
I just... I opened my eyes, and l...
and I saw your face,
and I realized
I can't do this.
What?
You just saw my face
and realized you can't have sex with me?
I can't go on forever
having sex with people
who don't care about me.
And you just r...
You just realized this now?
Yeah,
I did.
So all the years of empty,
meaningless sex
with countless strangers and bartenders,
that's great, that's fine,
but here,
now,
with me,
and bam,
you have an epiphany and you realize
you can't do it anymore?
Don't yell at me, Kevin.
You're fucked up, you know that?
I'm fucked up? I mean,
what are you? I mean,
w-what do you call somebody
who throws himself
into one doomed relationship
after the next when he could be with...
What? What? When I could be with what?
Thank you.
See you.
[Sirens]
I can't go on.
This guy weighs a fucking ton.
I knew we should've left him behind.
Hold on. We're almost there.
Are you kidding? We're not almost there.
[Gunshots]
Did you guys hear those gunshots?
Just get him into a cab.
We can't just put him in a cab.
He ain't conscious.
Oh, aren't we concerned?
Look, he'll be all right, OK?
W-We'll pay the driver
and give him the address.
Does he got any money on him?
Yeah. In his wallet.
I'm not finding a wallet here.
Wait a minute.
Here it is.
Hey, there's no money in here.
Oh, well, that's just great.
I told you we should've left him behind.
God, Stephie, please.
I can't take it anymore.
All you do is complain.
I mean, Stephie,
have you ever thought to look
on the bright side of things, huh?
Did you ever think
that maybe you could have a good time
if you just shut your freakin' mouth for five seconds?
I mean, nothing's good enough for you.
God.
Oh, my God.
What?
This is the address I wrote down
for my cousin's party.
You're shitting me.
No way. This is totally
the right address.
Yes. We're saved.
Thank you, God.
We're going to the party. Come on.
Dave, I'll catch up with you later.
Stephie: Come on, let's go to the party.
[Moans]
Elvis Costello: ? As I walk through?
? This wicked world?
? Searching for light?
? In the darkness of insanity?
? I ask myself?
? Is all hope lost?
? Is there only?
? Pain and hatred?
? And misery?
? And each time I feel like this inside?
? There's one thing I want to know?
? What's so funny about?
? Peace, love and understanding?
? Oh?
? What's so funny about?
? Peace, love and understanding?
Hush your mouth, baby.
? And as I walk on?
? Through troubled times?
? My spirit gets so downhearted?
? Sometimes?
? So where are the strong?
? Who are the trusted?
? And where is that harmony?
? Sweet harmony?
? 'Cause each time?
? I feel it slipping away?
? It just makes me want to cry?
? What's so funny...??
Hi. This must be it, huh?
Happy New Year.
All: Five... four...
three... two... one.
Happy New Year!
[Groans] Ohh.
Oh, God.
Ow. Ow.
[Gasps] Jesus.
Hi. Hi, puppy.
Good dog.
Hey.
Wake up.
Huh?
Who the fuck are you?
I live here.
Who the fuck are you?
Oh, you're Monica.
Hi. I'm Stephie.
I'm a friend of your cousin Val's.
My cousin Val? From Ronkonkoma?
Yeah, yeah. She brought me here last night.
Oh, God. I'm so hung over.
I can't believe it.
M-My cousin Val from Ronkonkoma
was here last night?
Uh, yeah.
Her and about a million other people.
Well, that's great.
That's just great.
Everybody came and I missed it.
[Gasps]
This is so cool.
Oh, and I called my parents,
and they want you to come over
for dinner tonight.
What?
No, it's cool, 'cause I told them
I slept on the sofa,
so you won't get in trouble for anything.
Trouble? How old are you exactly?
You know, 'cause you looked
a lot older last night.
Oh, will you relax?
I'm not telling no one.
It'll be our little secret,
like Romeo and Juliet.
Oh, my God.
You know, there's a reason
why I don't mind lying to my parents.
You want to know what it is?
I bet I know.
I bet you don't.
I love you.
Yeah.
Ohh.
Oh, and it's really cool, too,
because we can spend every weekend together,
and then in June,
you can come to my prom.
Shit, my friends
are going to be so jealous.
1982 is gonna be, like,
the coolest year ever.
[Hillary Moans]
Eric: Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, God.
Yes. Aah!
Oh, you love that.
[Both Gasp]
So?
What?
You know,
was it... you know?
Oh, yeah. It was great.
Ha ha. I know.
Oh, jeez. Will you look at the time?
So do you want to get together later?
Oh, yeah, sure,
if I have time.
If you have time?
Well, you know,
I just started working
at this gallery and it's kind of
all-consuming right now,
but, if I have time, you know.
Well, uh,
to be perfectly honest with you, Hillary,
no, I don't know.
The band? What band?
There were... There were actual musicians here?
At my house? Playing at my party?
Here? At... At my party?
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I never heard of them,
but that don't mean much.
This guy with funny glasses,
Elvis something?
Elvis Costello?
Yeah, yeah. That's who it was.
Yeah, I heard he had a record out.
Elvis Costello...
the love of my life...
was here...
at my house...
singing at my party?
Yeah, yeah.
He was going on and on
about the crab dip,
asking around for the recipe.
Nobody had it.
It was off the box.
I could've told him that.
Look,
just tell me one thing.
I'm not a vain person.
Was the sex any good at all?
No. I'm sorry. It was bad.
[Telephone Rings]
Bridget: Hello.
Hey. So are you totally hung over?
No. I think I'm still drunk.
Oh, that's the worst.
So what'd you think about that party
last night?
Mmm. Do you believe
that lawyer-bartender guy showed up?
He wasn't so bad.
I mean, he was really nice
about us ditching him and all that.
Are you crazy?
What a disappointing party.
Those guys were such total posers.
I'm so glad we decided to go home alone.
Oh.
Want to go for breakfast?
Um...
No. Maybe lunch?
Oh.
I got to go.
? Give it to me, baby?
Hey.
Guess who reloaded, baby.
? Give it to me Give it to me?
? Give me your stuff that sweet...??
I mean,
at least they showed up,
right? I mean,
at least I don't have to spend
the rest of my life
thinking I have no friends
and everybody hates me.
Right? That's something, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, do you got any Alka-Seltzer?
I got to meet this guy Tony
for breakfast.
It's in the bathroom.
Thanks.
[Gasps]
Ohh.
Mmm.
[Groans]
Oh, God.
Where are my fucking glasses?
Oh, no. Not again.
Elvis?
[Coughs]
[Gasps]
[Laughs]
All right.
So, uh, can I call you later?
You mean, like, later today?
Uh, yeah, unless...
unless you think that's too jerky.
Is that too jerky or something?
No. No,
I don't think it's too jerky.
You don't?
Uh-uh.
OK, good. You know, uh,
because,
you know, l... I really like you a lot,
you know, as,
like, I like you a lot.
You do?
Yeah.
I mean, I don't think that you need
a lot of time to know something like that.
You know, you just...
You know, when you know it,
you know, when it happens, you know it,
and I know it.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Yeah. So do I.
So...
we should go to dinner tonight?
You want to?
OK.
You're going to think this is crazy, but...
I think I'm falling in love with you.
[Laughs]
l...
No, I don't think you're crazy.
[Sniffs]
Hey, man, you smell dog shit?
Did you know that cigarettes
are a shield against meaningful interaction
with other people?
It's true. I read it.
People protect themselves emotionally
by relating to their cigarettes
instead of each other.
That's what struck me last night
watching all those people
standing around with their cigarettes.
Why is everyone so afraid?
Why are people so scared of each other?
Like us?
No. We've never been anything
but totally honest with each other.
Them.
? More than this?
? You know there's nothing?
? More than this??
Anyway, I think it's time to quit smoking.
Mm-hmmm.
? More than this?
Lucy: So then you'll get grumpy
and cranky and fat,
and you'll whine, and you'll bitch,
and you'll lose all your inspiration,
and you're gonna blame me.
Cabbie: Although I went
to a crazy New Year's Eve party,
after I put the cab up, I mean.
I got pictures. Look here.
Now these two girls in this picture,
oh, I couldn't understand a damn thing they said,
a-and where in the hell is Ronkokomano?
Now this guy here,
he's a famous necrophiliac
with a album.
He kept dragging a dead girl
around the party. It was real weird.
Look at his eyes, man. He crazy.
Look at her. Dead, dead, dead.
This dude right here I call,
vagina puppet man,
'cause he kept making vagina puppets
with his hands,
but he's a real talented fella.
I mean, I see big things in his future,
'cause there's a market for vaginas.
Oh, this girl right here
keeps feeding people little weenies,
but I think she want a weenie herself,
if you know what I'm saying.
Uh, now this little girl here,
I picked her up earlier that night, too.
It's a small city, ain't it?
That must be the guy she was telling me
she was so nervous about being with.
Just when he started making a little headway,
wouldn't you know,
one of the ugliest bitches
I've ever seen in my life rolled up,
and I'm not one to call women ugly,
but I think this woman was,
because she had a penis.
Oh, there's Dutch boy
with, uh, the girl from, Rankakomano.
I ain't going to call her young,
but I'm going to tell you this,
I bet you she write a couple love letters
in crayons here and there.
There I go. There I go.
I'm having fun right here.
Almost having fun,
and here go my man right here.
Remember him? This guy would not
listen to me, man.
He got 2 girls,
don't know what to do with either of them.
You see, big girl right here
wasn't having that.
She got into it with little girl
right there,
and next thing I know,
he's rolling with big girl,
but dig this, right?
Little girl scored with the necrophiliac.
Thank God he brought a live one home,
if you know what I'm saying.
Now this guy is hungry for love or something,
and then who walks over
but my little girl pretty in pink,
and it looks like he found what he wanted,
that is until her nose started bleeding.
Then they was hugging,
then they was smiling,
then they was kissing.
Now I think I'm 4 more pages away from ecstasy,
if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, the guy in the middle,
that's the guy from Happy Days.
I met him, got his autograph
and everything. Uh, Potsy.
The people was dancing,
they was laughing,
if that party got any crazier,
I bet you Rick James would've walked
right through the door. Look at this party.
These pictures here, I'm keeping forever.
They make me happy, 'cause they remind me,
if you relax,
you can have a good time, baby,
even if you smell like dog shit.
See, in the end,
everybody got what they was looking for,
a little love,
and I got what I was looking for,
a little booty.
You can see it in my eyes.
That's my booty look right there.
? Wall to wall?
? People hypnotized?
? And they're stepping?
? Lightly?
? Hang each night?
? In rapture??
[Music Changes]
? She moves like she don't care?
? Smooth as silk, cool as air?
? Ooh, it makes you want to cry?
? She doesn't know your name?
? And your heart beats like a subway train?
? Ooh, it makes you want to die?
? Ooh, don't you wanna take her?
? Wanna make her all your own?
? Maria?
? You've gotta see her?
? Go insane and out of your mind?
? Regina?
? Ave Maria?
? A million and one candlelights??
[Rap Beat] ? There's no sin in this?
? Gettin' dressed to kill?
? Laughin' down the sun like a jackal will?
? With his eyes ablaze and his lips apart?
? He's gonna fill his cup with the love in your heart?
? And drink it up till the morning starts?
? Circulate the red light vistas?
? Get the girls then get their sisters?
? Pinch 'em up and give 'em blisters?
? Kiss 'em fierce with all his might forever?
? Ever, ever?
? Standing on the verge on the edge of the ledge?
? Waitin' for me to fall?
? Then I gotta call that said?
? Wait, homed-up homie you must be trippin'?
? You can be puttin' that sippin' and whippin'?
? Up in your bippin' you better stand tall?
? Fool, you was born to ball?
? Took a little fall and now you want to end it all?
[Radio Transmission]
? Yo, rock this and slam dance to this?
? Move back when you see us in the mosh pits?
? Smash some, we might have female rap stompin'?
? Crack more heads over them backs?
? You and your man floated Tales from the Crypt?
? Rocky Horror couldn't pitch it away?
? Come on?
? Get your goosebumps tinglin'?
? Out of the darkness spark this?
? Total chaos marked skin the hardest?
? Nothing could save us all that is sacred?
? Dearly departed Brave heart slave contained?
? Something courageous The road rats explode?
? New rigors that devour?
? Don't cry for me I'm proud, drunk off the power?
? The power, the power?
? Who's gonna cry?
? For ya?
? Who's gonna cry?
? Over you?
? You think you're infamous Mark remains untamed?
? And you out for the cash like you out for the fame?
? Lay back on the stack down the kodiak?
? Right in my rap's head Hold that?
? Look out We saw the sound blast?
? But none heard the sound of the blast?
? The man's out of control?
? The system bounced back?
? But he cracked up Verbal assault?
? Quick to lash out?
? You're stunned momentarily dropped?
? Seconds after?
? Then when you least expect it?
? You understand there is no exit?
? Hey, yo?
? Who's gonna cry?
? For ya?
? Who's gonna cry??
[Music Changes]
? Two dozen other dirty lovers?
? Must be a sucker for it?
? Cracked up but I don't need my mother?
? Just hold my hand while I come?
? To a decision on it?
? Sooner or later?
? Your legs give way you hit the ground?
? Save it for later?
? Don't run away and let me down?
? Sooner or later?
? You hit the deck you get found out?
? Save it for later?
? Don't run away, run away?
? And let me down?
? Don't run away, run away and let me down?
? Don't run away, run away?
? Run away, run away?
? Run away, run away, run away??
Disco Cab Driver: If you remember anything
that I tell you, remember this:
James Brown is the baddest motherfucker in show business.